Dear Old Friend,
I haven’t written to you in a long time. I regret that for a number of reasons, but
mostly because, in losing touch with you I’m pretty sure I lost touch with “the
basics”. I’ve been very busy lately
trying to understand things. I’m
certainly not saying there’s anything wrong with wanting to have a deeper
understanding of spiritual truths, but I have found that there is a pit on that
path into which you can fall; and right now I feel like I’m sitting in the
bottom of that pit, too tired to climb back out.
My brain hurts. I feel
battle-weary and confused. I’m not always
the fastest or the brightest, but even I know this doesn’t feel like Good News. I’ve been listening to lots of opinions as to
what makes up that News, and there are almost as many different opinions as
there are people as to what should or should not be included under that
banner.
Is there such a thing as grace on the ground? Should we as
Christians constantly be striving, albeit poorly, to offer to others the same
love, mercy and forgiveness we have been given; and, if we should, is there a
limit? And, if there is, what would that limit look like? Or, is that strictly
just my Old Adam trying to get some skin in the game? Should I think at all in
terms of desiring to please God with my life, or is that a completely false way
of thinking, because he is already well-pleased with me because of Christ?
If I feel good and happy when I have been given an
opportunity to minister to someone, is that the Holy Spirit, or is that just me
pridefully trying to take the credit which belongs to God alone?
If I think that Scripture seems to take for granted that
Christians will be baptized and take communion, does that mean that I am adding
something to salvation by grace alone, through faith alone in the finished work
of Christ alone?
Does “sanctification” mean to become more and more and more
holy? Can there actually be such a thing
as “more” holy? And, if there is, does
it have anything to do with my improving moral behavior?
Does the fact that I want to be loved and accepted and try
to act in ways which will bring about that result necessarily mean that I am
wearing a mask? And, is the answer, instead,
for me to be totally vulnerable to other fallible human beings who “should”
respect me for it and then let down their guard in return, but who are much
more likely to never quite look me in the eye again?
You know what? I don’t
know! On any given day I might just give
you a different answer to any of the questions above, and probably not even
realize it. It’s even quite likely that
I have given different answers to those questions on the same day; maybe even
in the same conversation. And, I am just
about as certain that is true of everyone I have been listening to as well.
Are these important questions? Yes. Are there absolute answers to those
questions? Maybe. Probably. Do I know of anyone who knows all
of the answers? Besides God, no. There might be, but at this point I am not
aware of just who that person or group is; and, at this moment, I am tired of
trying to figure it out.
At this moment, I just need to know that Jesus loves me,
despite the fact that I might not have every jot and tittle of my theology
figured out. I need to know that his
love for me is no more dependent on my total grasp of grace than it was on my
total obedience to the law. I need to
have God “restore unto me the joy of my salvation.” I want to stop worrying about getting it
right and rest in my Savior’s arms. For
right now I’m deciding to know nothing but “Jesus Christ and him crucified.”
And I just wanted to say that to someone who loves me as I
am. Thank you for being that someone for me.
Love Always,
Bonnie
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