Dear
Old Friend,
I have been
thinking a lot about boxes lately. Not
the cardboard variety, but the kind we put each other in both individually and
as a society. We categorize people based
on our life experiences, what we have been told by others or perhaps fear and then we project that categorization onto a person and put them into a
box derived from our bias. You might think
that because of the incidents of the past week I am referring specifically to
racial boxes or police boxes; and, while those are examples of what I mean, the
issue goes much deeper than that. We have
bias boxes for everyone in our lives and we relate to each other based on our
boxes.
Think about
the stages of dating relationships for example.
We start out in each other’s Amazing Box. Everything which the other person does seems
unbelievably wonderful; even their flaws are adorable. But, as time goes by,
the flaws become less adorable and more annoying. We may then move each other to a negative box
such as the Stubborn Box, or the Controlling Box or the Boring Box. The thing is, the person in the box may not
actually be stubborn, controlling or boring; they might, in fact, be agreeable,
humble and witty; but that does not matter.
What matters is only what the person who placed them in the box believes
they are. The burden is on the one in
the negative box to prove that they do not belong there; but the bias of the
one who put them in the box makes satisfying that burden of proof almost impossible.
Every action of the person in the box will be scrutinized and interpreted
according to the bias. In a dating
relationship, once you are in a negative box, you will most likely soon be in
the Ex Box.
Interestingly,
while it is next to impossible to be moved from a negative box to a positive
box, the reverse is not true. One’s
position in a positive box is tenuous at best; any infraction, real or
imagined, can result in reassignment to a negative box. Movement from the Good
Daughter, Son, Mother, Father, Spouse, Worker or Friend Box to the
corresponding Bad box can occur in the blink of an eye, whether or not it was
merited. What matters is not actual merit but perceived merit.
Reality may
play only a small part in our perceptions of each other. We are influenced by so many factors, some of
which are subconscious, that the opportunity for misinterpreting and
misunderstanding each other seems more likely than not. As a result, we spend
much of our time fearfully and frustratedly trying to explain ourselves in ways
which will justify our not being placed in a box from which there is virtually
no way of escape.
We have all
been put in negative boxes and we have imprisoned others. You and I, as mothers,
have experienced firsthand the frustration of being placed in the negative
boxes our children have put us in; and we can also look back on how we did the
same thing to our own mothers. As a
nation, we are experiencing the results of the false and unfair box assignments
of whole groups of people. We see it in
our personal relationships and between nations all around the world.
So, what is
the answer? I could pontificate about how we should all stop putting each other
in negative boxes, and start listening to and seeing each other for who we are
rather than projecting our biases onto each other. Of course, we really should try to do that,
and keep on trying when we fail; but, the thing is, we will fail. Even when we recognize that we should stop
and want to stop, we will never completely stop.
Is there
hope, then, for our world of perpetual boxers? Our hope is in this, “But God
demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ
died for us.” Romans 5:8. Our hope is in
the fact that God did not withhold his love from us until we got things right. God is the only one who truly knows us and
sees us as we are. He is never blinded
by some unfair preconception of us. He
knows every fear, every heartache and every wound which has been inflicted on
us by others. He knows the experiences
which have shaped us and our view of the world and those in it. He knows us
better than we know ourselves, and he loves us and showed us that love even in
the midst of our negative boxing of others, by sending his son to carry to the
cross all of the wounds we have inflicted upon others and those inflicted on
us.
When we are
unable to escape from the negative box in which we have been placed, we can
rest in the knowledge that God knows the truth.
When we have imprisoned others in our own negative boxes, we can be assured
that there is a place of forgiveness and healing for that as well. And, finally, we can live in expectation of
the day when there will be no more misunderstandings or misinterpretations;
when we will see and know each other as who we really are; a day when all of
the boxes will be gone and we will be free.
Oh, how I
long for that day!
Love
Always,
Bonnie
