Worry and Grace

 

Dear Old Friend,

I have been anxious about many things this week, in direct opposition to what scripture says I should do.  Worry and I go way back.  

I have probably always equated worry with caring.  If I care about someone and I become aware of an issue which has the potential to threaten their safety or happiness, it would seem uncaring of me not to worry, so I label it “concern”; but because it definitely involves elements of fear and dread, it’s really just worry.  And then, of course, I worry about my own safety and happiness, and there's no euphemism for that. I'm a worrier.

The good thing about it, I reason, is that my worry leads me to pray.  I acknowledge before God my helplessness to control or alter the threatening circumstances, and I ask for God’s intervention on behalf of myself and/or those I love.  But, always, in the back of my mind, I hear this nagging  voice telling me that worry is a sin and that if I truly believed and had faith in God and his sovereignty I wouldn’t have that gut-wrenching, heart palpitating fear I’m experiencing. In other words, I’m caught between thinking that worry is the evidence of my caring, as well as the evidence of my lack of faith.  This dilemma generates more worry and more guilt; and on and on it goes.

This week, however, I had a new insight. I went back and reread the passages in scripture which speak so clearly about worry, Matthew 6:25-34 and Philippians 4:6-7.  Both of those scriptures use the words “Do not”: “Do not be anxious”, “Do not worry”.  My law oriented mind has always heard those words as a command, and therefore I could not help but see my worry as a disobedience of the command, which then resulted in feelings of guilt. 

But this time, I read those words, not as law, but as grace; as words of reassurance just like those I have spoken to my own children when I told them not to worry because they were afraid of the dark, or of a new school, or were worried that no one would ever love them, or that they couldn’t handle their lives.  This time I read those words not as a rule to be followed, but as God's comfort and encouragement given so that we could face the struggles which life will inevitably bring.  Were there times when I got exasperated with my children because of their continued anxiety in the face of my reassurances?  Sure; but, thankfully, God is not like me! 

God knows that life on this planet will throw seemingly endless troubling circumstances our way; things which will cause us, in our humanity, to be anxious and fearful; and he isn’t standing with his arms crossed and his foot tapping in agitation over the fact that we have once more disappointed him by our lack of faith.  Because of Jesus’ perfect righteousness credited to us, we do not stand before him condemned by the Law of Do Not Worry.  Instead, he speaks softly to us with soothing words of hope and assurance; words of grace: Don’t be afraid, I am with you, I will take care of you even through the terrible times, I love you, and I always will.

What a relief to cross worry off the list of things I have to worry about!

Love Always,

Bonnie

My True Voice

 Dear Old Friend,

I have a confession to make.  In many situations, I am one of those people who would prefer to pretend a problem does not exist rather than to deal with it.  When you combine that tendency with a distrust of and a desire to avoid doctors, troubles can arise.

As you know, I was recently rear-ended while sitting at a stop light, by a car going somewhere between 40-50 mph.  When the E.M.T.’s at the scene told me I probably had broken ribs, and that doctors don’t really do anything for broken ribs, I reasoned that there was no point in going to see a doctor.  I was later convinced that I needed to document my injuries, so I did get x-rays which confirmed what I already knew, that my ribs were indeed broken, and that doctors don’t do anything for them. 

Flash forward approximately four weeks.  My ribs were slowly healing and I had found my replacement car. The CD of Handel’s Messiah, which I had to reorder because the one I had listened to and sung along with in my car throughout the Christmas season could not be removed from the CD player after the accident, had finally arrived.  All was well.  Or was it?

As you’re well aware, I love to sing.  I sang my first solo in church when I was four. You and I were in a trio together in our Middle School years. I’ve sung in choirs, traveled with groups, and, just like you, I have been the soloist for many weddings and funerals. I haven’t performed in public for awhile, but I still sing all the time and I was always grateful to be able to raise my voice in praise to God whether I was in church or in my car singing along with the radio or a CD.  Imagine my surprise, then, when I realized, while trying to sing in my car one day, that I had seemingly lost the entire upper range of my voice! 

I have always been an alto, but I’ve had the ability to sing higher notes as well.  I remember thinking over the holidays that it almost seemed my higher range was better now than my low range.  I use that upper range in other ways than just singing.  I always instinctively speak to babies and children, like my precious grandsons, with that higher range.   That range also provides the “lilt” in my voice which I have learned to use effectively in everyday speech, to heighten or soften the impact of what I am saying.  My voice is my tool, my identity; and suddenly it had changed.

At first, I thought maybe I was getting sick and was just a bit hoarse, but there were no other symptoms.  I then wondered if I was imagining it, so I became obsessed with trying to sing along with the radio, and I couldn’t.  I felt like my throat was constricted and when I would try to force a higher note, I would squawk off-key.  I knew the final test would be to try to sing the choruses on my Messiah CD, which I had easily sung just before the accident. Reluctantly I put in the CD and my fears were confirmed.  The lilt in my voice is gone.

Because this change was so sudden, my assumption is that it is somehow related to the accident.  Naturally, I researched on line and found several possibilities.  The bottom line of my research seemed to be that, if there is any way to get back “my” voice, it would probably involve some kind of voice therapy, which might or might not work.  Because of my inclinations mentioned at the start of this letter, I was tempted to just let it go and not try to get to the bottom of it, but the fact is that this loss has deeply affected me; so, yesterday I went to see my doctor who referred me to a specialist.  I’ll keep you posted.

Last night I was struck once more by the realization that the things of this world, in which we place our security or find our identity, are only temporary; even the gifts which God has given us to use in service for him.  Our only true security and identity is to be found in Christ.  Of course, I hope that the full range of my voice will be restored here on earth; but, whether it is or is not, I understand that my true voice has always been whatever means God has provided for me to share the good news of what he has done for us through Christ Jesus; the good news that God sent his son to live a perfect life which he credits to poor sinners like me, and to die the death which we all deserve so that all of our sins, no matter how many or how great, are forgiven. 

Because of that gift and that gift alone, I will one day be able to spend eternity singing praises with my true voice.  I will have a range and lilt that I can’t even begin to imagine now, and it will never be taken away!

I know you understand. I can’t wait to sing with you in heaven!

Love Always,

Bonnie

Out of Bounds

 

Dear Old Friend,

As you know, I just came back from visiting my daughter and my four year old grandson.  I remember, when my own son was four, being concerned that there was something wrong with him because he seemed to be out of control; and, I remember being greatly relieved when I read an article which told me that four is the “out of bounds” age.  Everything is too loud, every emotion is too strong, and every attempted activity is too dangerous.  Four is when children intentionally push, and leap over, every boundary.  It is the year of extremes.  It is the year of believing you are in control, and actually being out of control; especially with boys!

On my very first day there, my grandson experimented with calling me Bonnie, because that is what his dad calls me.  I explained all about first names versus relationships, like mommy and daddy, and that even though Bonnie was my first name, I was his Grammie and that’s what he should call me.  That worked for a few minutes, but then I suddenly became Grams, and that stuck.  It was his four year old way of being in control.  His favorite phrase was, “Follow me, Grams”, and off we would go on one exciting adventure after another.

As long as I was with him, I was primarily able to keep him from suffering serious bodily harm and from inflicting bodily harm on others, but whenever I took time to visit with my daughter, and he was left to his own devices, he would do things like scaring the two very pregnant goats off the porch or running headlong into the flock of chickens, chasing them into the neighbor’s yard (See my daughter's hilarious blog for further info about the goats and chickens, etc.)  It didn’t matter how many serious conversations he’d already had with his mother about the very good reasons why he was not supposed to do those things.  It did not matter what consequences he would suffer if he did those things anyway; the temptation was just too great.

Once, when I was leisurely sipping coffee and chatting with my daughter who was working in the kitchen, he grabbed a backless barstool and dragged it into the hallway, where we couldn’t see him.  When I grew suspicious and got up to investigate, I found him standing on the stool, teetering on his tiptoes.  When I swept him off the stool into my arms, he loudly protested that he wanted to touch the ceiling light fixture.  “Help me, Grams!” he ordered. When I tried to explain why this was not the great idea he thought it was, he protested loudly and I had to enlist the authority of Mommy to dissuade him.

I wondered on numerous occasions how my daughter managed when I wasn’t there. My son-in-law, due to the nature of his job, is often gone for weeks at a time; and, as much as my grandson would love it, my daughter isn’t able to spend every waking moment following him around, giving him her full attention.  He is up at the crack of dawn and no longer takes naps, so there isn’t even a break time for her to do things while he is safely asleep.  It is inevitable that he will sometimes be out of her sight during the day.  She does an admirable job of ensuring his safety, but as I mentioned, he’s four….

It occurred to me that, to God, we are all like four year old boys.  We all believe we are in control, when we are out of control.  We all have hairbrained schemes which put us in danger.  We all do things which we know are wrong, undeterred by the looming consequences, because the temptation is just too great.

Thankfully, we are never out of God’s sight, even for a moment! He understands and is infinitely patient with our tendency to be out of bounds.  He tenderly watches over us, giving comfort when we are hurt by our own poor choices; and he has provided forgiveness for all of our indiscretions through the life, death and resurrection of his own son.

How precious it is to have that assurance, for myself, for my children and for my grandchildren!

Love Always,

Bonnie

Almost Compelled by Love

Dear Old Friend,

I learned something this week about how the compelling power of the love of Christ works (See 2 Corinthians 5:14-15).

I’ve been going through a lot of work drama over the past couple of weeks.  In my company there is a nearby office which has been understaffed off and on for more than a year now, due to marriages, babies and people moving out of the area. The manager of that office and I have been friends for years and whenever she needed help she called on me, and my staff has been willing on many occasions to work things out so that the needs of her office were covered.

In early November of last year, my part-time associate gave notice, so I began a difficult search for a replacement which lasted a couple of months.  Several of my candidates chose other positions after I had made the job offer to them; one actually accepted the job and had been given her work schedule and start date, but suddenly stopped returning my calls and finally emailed me that she had decided to work elsewhere.  Finally I hired someone who seemed as excited to work with us as we were with her.

She started the first of January.  Then, at the end of the month, when she was trained and able to handle shifts on her own, the manager of the other office called and the new employee answered the phone. There are conflicting stories as to how the subject came up, but in the end, the manager asked my employee if she was interested in the full time position she had open, and, even though my newly hired associate seemed to feel uncomfortable about it, she told the other manager that she would be interested in interviewing for that position.

I was appalled and felt betrayed by everyone.  I was shocked that the other manager would try to poach my associate immediately after I had done all the work to get her hired and trained.  I was surprised that the newly hired worker, who knew of the struggles I had finding someone, would so readily jump ship.  And I couldn’t understand why my company had no policy in place with a specified period of time before a worker could transfer to another position, allowing the ones who had done all the work of getting someone hired and trained to reap some of the benefits of their labor.

I took it quite personally, and I alternated between being angry and depressed.  I walked around my house and office muttering about selfishness and disloyalty; I self-righteously remembered all of the times I had helped this person, whom I had thought of as a friend, and vowed to never make that mistake again. 

When the other manager called me to talk about the situation, I told her that, if she was looking for my blessing she wasn’t going to get it, and I let her know how upset and disappointed I was, intentionally piling on the guilt.  She told me that she actually had another candidate she interviewed first and really liked, but that she now felt somewhat obligated to hire my associate, since she would then be giving the opportunity to someone within the company who had expressed interest in the position, instead of bringing in someone from the outside.  At that point I enlisted the help of my boss to try and convince her that she was under no obligation to hire my employee if there was someone else she preferred.

The thing is, the whole time I was ranting and raving and working myself up into a frenzy, and trying to manipulate the situation by using guilt and whatever other weapons I could muster, in the background I could hear everything I know about grace playing over and over in my head.  In the past I would have heard a “law tape” playing, and I would have felt guilty; but,  I promise you, this was different. 

I heard things like, “Think about all of the selfish and disloyal things you do daily to God, and how he doesn’t condemn you or turn his back on you or swear that he will never help you again.  Because of his Son, he loves you and forgives you over and over no matter how often you betray him”; and,  “If you know that everything you need you already possess in Christ, then you are free to let this go, even if it means you have to start the whole hiring process over again. You are free to continue to care about your long time friend, and not hold a grudge against your associate who was simply happy for an opportunity to make more money.  You can trust that God isn’t surprised by this situation and will walk through it with you, no matter what the outcome.  You are free to love, because you know what it feels like to be loved even when you don’t deserve it. 

I can’t say that I had completely surrendered to the voice of grace in my head before my phone rang this afternoon, but I was almost there. The call was from the office manager telling me she had decided to go with the other candidate she liked.  She then said she might actually be able to work things out so that my employee could get some extra hours on a fairly regular basis, which might supplement her income enough to keep her happy even though she didn’t get the full-time job.  I was very relieved, to say the least!

Even though I had not handled the situation with grace, I was able to recognize the process of compelling love, and how it works in us to change our hearts and minds. I can see now that the more I allow the truth to sink deeply into my heart--of how completely I am loved, not because of how well I do, or even whether I do, the right things, but because Christ did the right things on my behalf--the more I will be compelled to share that same kind of love with others. 

I might be glacially slow at “getting” this, but I’m encouraged to see the process at work in my heart. Maybe someday I'll actually be able to lead with grace instead of getting around to it after awhile. Thankfully, God loves me regardless!

Love Always,

Bonnie

Nothing Besides You

Dear Old Friend,

I read this verse yesterday and I felt its truth resonate all the way to my core: “Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you” Psalm 73:25.  When I was young, that verse would not have spoken to me in the same way.  I would have thought of it as a verse for old people. I can remember, as a child, hearing the older members of our congregation speak with such longing about Jesus’ second coming, when he would return and take us all to heaven; and, I thought, ‘of course you want him to come back soon, because you have already gotten to do everything you wanted to do, like getting married and having children.’ I was in no hurry to go to heaven. There were things I wanted to do first!

I believe every young person has felt that way.  We spend our childhoods wishing we were adults and our adulthoods wishing we were kids again.  Why is that?  As children, we believed that this world had so much to offer.  We thought that finding our true love and having a family would bring us the fulfillment we craved; or, that when the answer to the oft asked question of ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ finally became a reality, we would be content, and have the financial freedom to pursue our dreams. 

However, as adults, we found that love relationships are difficult and the raising of children takes a much greater toll than we ever dreamed possible. And, even those who did manage to find financial freedom in their careers discovered that money did not give them the satisfaction they expected. The rest of us eventually gave up on finding that out for ourselves.

The Protestant Reformers in the sixteenth century referred to the things which people desired more than God, as idols.  One reformer said the human heart is an idol making factory.  It is our nature to look for happiness and fulfillment everywhere but God.  As a matter of fact, it is our nature to suspect that God actually wants to keep us from being happy.  That was what Satan told Eve in the Garden.  She believed him, and the rest of us followed suit.

God isn’t surprised that we are like that.  It was the reason he sent his son to live a life of single devotion to Him, and to apply that devotion to our record; and then to pay the price for our running after everything but God. He did that so he could wait patiently for us, with no condemnation, as life on this earth smashed our idols, one by one.  He waits for us as we are treated unfairly and are misunderstood, and as we do the same to others. He waits as we lose our loved ones, lose our health, lose our beauty, lose our energy, lose our patience and lose our dreams. He waits as even our achievements leave us strangely empty.  

He waits until, by the wooing of his Spirit, we finally see that the promises of earth were merely illusions, and that every truly good thing we’ve had on this planet was not in spite of him, but because of him.  And when that Psalm becomes our own and we realize that earth has nothing we desire besides him, he comforts us in the midst of our loss and disillusionment, assures us of his unfailing love and kindness toward us, and promises to give us hope and an eternal future beyond our wildest dreams.

I needed to be reminded of that this week.  Maybe you did, too.

Love Always,

Bonnie

Who Do You Trust?

 

Dear Old Friend,

Do you remember a game show which was on when we were growing up, called “Who Do You Trust”? It was hosted by Johnny Carson before he became the Tonight Show icon.  I don’t actually remember anything about the game itself, but I do remember there was a grammar controversy regarding the title, since “proper” English would be “Whom Do You Trust”.  What reminded me of that show title this week was the search for a used car.

As you know, from my seemingly endless parade of old cars, my husband and I don’t believe in making car payments, so when one car bites the dust, which mine did prematurely in my recent accident, we look for a replacement car we can purchase with what cash we have on hand.  In this case, the insurance company was providing that cash, or at least most of it.  My husband is always the primary hunter and gatherer of cars.  He stalks his prey online and becomes almost obsessed with the pursuit. 

We both decided that our first choice would be a lower mileage version of the car which had just met an untimely demise.  I won’t get into makes and models in my letter, because that isn’t really the point.  What became the point was trying to figure out who/whom we could trust.  Who would be less likely to deceive us? Was it better to trust a private seller, an auto auction or a dealership?  My husband’s search began with private sellers, strayed into auctions, and finally ended with a dealership.  The worry all along the way, of whether or not we were being duped as we had been a few times in the past, nearly did him in.

Knowing that you were praying for God to lead us to the right car meant a lot to me!  I can happily report to you that I now have a car, which my husband proudly tracked down and procured for me. It has a few flaws on the outside, but the interior looks great and the engine looks pristine.  Its ride is smoother and more quiet than any car I can remember driving.  As of this letter, we feel like it was a good choice!

Throughout the process some verses, which had absolutely astonished me the first time I read them, kept coming back to me.  I couldn’t quite remember where they were and had to search, but I found them tonight in John 2:24-25.  The prelude to these two verses tells us that while Jesus was in Jerusalem for the Passover Feast, people started to take notice of him because of his miracles.  Here are the verses which struck me: “But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them because he knew all people and needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man.”

Jesus knew better than to put his confidence in people, because he knew what we were like inside.  No one needed to tell him that people couldn’t be trusted; because that was the very reason he had to come to earth.  Paul’s compilation of Old Testament scriptures detailing God’s own thoughts on what was "in man", found in Romans chapter 3, verses 10-18, is painful and humiliating to read:

“None is righteous, no, not one;
 no one understands;
no one seeks for God.
 All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
no one does good,
not even one.”
 “Their throat is an open grave;
they use their tongues to deceive.”
“The venom of asps is under their lips.”
“Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.”
“Their feet are swift to shed blood;
in their paths are ruin and misery,
and the way of peace they have not known.”
“There is no fear of God before their eyes.”

Jesus knew who we were; there wasn’t one truly trustworthy bone in any of our bodies; no, not one; and we were powerless to do a thing about it.  So, he came, as the only totally trustworthy human who ever walked on this planet; and, while we still can’t safely trust each other, to those who believed in him, he gave his perfect record; and assured us that we can absolutely trust him with any and everything in our lives.

Even cars!

Love Always,

Bonnie

You'll Be All Right

Dear Old Friend,

As anyone who has been involved in a vehicle accident will tell you, you’re skittish when you first start driving or even riding in a vehicle after the accident.  I experienced that this week and it reminded me of a funny story from my past.  

Many years ago, I had been broadsided when an elderly gentleman pulled out from a stop sign just as I passed by. While riding in the car with my husband for the first time since the accident, I found that I flinched every time we went past a side street where a vehicle was waiting to pull out, and then my accident would replay in my head.  I turned to my husband and said, “When I’m in a car now, I can’t stop thinking about wrecks.”  He turned to me with a confused expression and said, “Rex who?”  True story.

Anyway, in addition to being a bit jumpy in the car this week, I started to feel overwhelmed with the realization (again) of our inability to completely protect ourselves from harm.  Whenever my coworkers leave for home, there is always a chorus of “Be safe” and “Drive carefully”, as we all communicate our desire for the well-being of our friends.  I found myself thinking that it doesn’t matter how careful we are, bad things still happen.  

I was simply sitting at a stop light, with no time to get out of harm’s way.  People who eat right have still been known to get cancer or some other life threatening  or disabling disease.  People who exercise regularly have still been known to have heart attacks or strokes.  People who have been faithful employees for years are still let go.  Brilliant people whose insights have brought light to millions have gotten Alzheimer’s disease.  The illusion of having control over my life disappeared, and I began to feel fear and despair.

Of course, I was reminded immediately that, while it is completely true that my own efforts to protect myself are minimally effective at best, there is a God who is sovereign and has supreme authority and power over my life.  While there are some who think God is too busy and important to concern himself with the day to day events of our lives, Jesus said in Matthew 10:29 that not even one sparrow falls to the ground “apart from” God, and he assures us that we are worth more to God than a sparrow.  Jesus then says in verse 30 that God is so aware of and involved with us that he even knows how many hairs we have on our heads. 

I found great comfort in those words this week.  To me those verses say, God knows even more about me than I could ever know about myself; and, if he bothers to know and care about the number of my hairs, he surely knows and cares about the events of my day to day life.  Obviously, bad things will still happen to me in this world, because this world isn’t heaven; but, because God is in control, I’ll be all right.  As I heard Chuck Swindoll say last night, “Even if you die, you’ll be all right.” 

True story.

I’m praying for you and what’s going on in your life as well.  I thought you might need to have this reassurance, too.

Love always,

Bonnie