My True Voice

 Dear Old Friend,

I have a confession to make.  In many situations, I am one of those people who would prefer to pretend a problem does not exist rather than to deal with it.  When you combine that tendency with a distrust of and a desire to avoid doctors, troubles can arise.

As you know, I was recently rear-ended while sitting at a stop light, by a car going somewhere between 40-50 mph.  When the E.M.T.’s at the scene told me I probably had broken ribs, and that doctors don’t really do anything for broken ribs, I reasoned that there was no point in going to see a doctor.  I was later convinced that I needed to document my injuries, so I did get x-rays which confirmed what I already knew, that my ribs were indeed broken, and that doctors don’t do anything for them. 

Flash forward approximately four weeks.  My ribs were slowly healing and I had found my replacement car. The CD of Handel’s Messiah, which I had to reorder because the one I had listened to and sung along with in my car throughout the Christmas season could not be removed from the CD player after the accident, had finally arrived.  All was well.  Or was it?

As you’re well aware, I love to sing.  I sang my first solo in church when I was four. You and I were in a trio together in our Middle School years. I’ve sung in choirs, traveled with groups, and, just like you, I have been the soloist for many weddings and funerals. I haven’t performed in public for awhile, but I still sing all the time and I was always grateful to be able to raise my voice in praise to God whether I was in church or in my car singing along with the radio or a CD.  Imagine my surprise, then, when I realized, while trying to sing in my car one day, that I had seemingly lost the entire upper range of my voice! 

I have always been an alto, but I’ve had the ability to sing higher notes as well.  I remember thinking over the holidays that it almost seemed my higher range was better now than my low range.  I use that upper range in other ways than just singing.  I always instinctively speak to babies and children, like my precious grandsons, with that higher range.   That range also provides the “lilt” in my voice which I have learned to use effectively in everyday speech, to heighten or soften the impact of what I am saying.  My voice is my tool, my identity; and suddenly it had changed.

At first, I thought maybe I was getting sick and was just a bit hoarse, but there were no other symptoms.  I then wondered if I was imagining it, so I became obsessed with trying to sing along with the radio, and I couldn’t.  I felt like my throat was constricted and when I would try to force a higher note, I would squawk off-key.  I knew the final test would be to try to sing the choruses on my Messiah CD, which I had easily sung just before the accident. Reluctantly I put in the CD and my fears were confirmed.  The lilt in my voice is gone.

Because this change was so sudden, my assumption is that it is somehow related to the accident.  Naturally, I researched on line and found several possibilities.  The bottom line of my research seemed to be that, if there is any way to get back “my” voice, it would probably involve some kind of voice therapy, which might or might not work.  Because of my inclinations mentioned at the start of this letter, I was tempted to just let it go and not try to get to the bottom of it, but the fact is that this loss has deeply affected me; so, yesterday I went to see my doctor who referred me to a specialist.  I’ll keep you posted.

Last night I was struck once more by the realization that the things of this world, in which we place our security or find our identity, are only temporary; even the gifts which God has given us to use in service for him.  Our only true security and identity is to be found in Christ.  Of course, I hope that the full range of my voice will be restored here on earth; but, whether it is or is not, I understand that my true voice has always been whatever means God has provided for me to share the good news of what he has done for us through Christ Jesus; the good news that God sent his son to live a perfect life which he credits to poor sinners like me, and to die the death which we all deserve so that all of our sins, no matter how many or how great, are forgiven. 

Because of that gift and that gift alone, I will one day be able to spend eternity singing praises with my true voice.  I will have a range and lilt that I can’t even begin to imagine now, and it will never be taken away!

I know you understand. I can’t wait to sing with you in heaven!

Love Always,

Bonnie