Mutual Blindness

 

Dear Old Friend,

Have you ever heard of the Johari Window Model?  Back in the touchy feely ‘70’s, I went on a weeklong workshop where I learned all kinds of things about myself.  Much of it I considered to be valuable insight, some of it was garbage; but one thing I learned about was Johari’s Window and it made such an impression that it keeps coming back to me all these years later, with a more biblical slant.

Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham, two psychologists, developed this model to help people better understand their interactions with others.  Picture a window with four panes. 

One pane represents what both you and others know about you; this is called the Open area.  Next to it is the Blind area, which represents what others know about you, but you do not know about yourself.  Then there is the Hidden area which represents what only you know about yourself.  And, finally, there is the Unknown area, which represents what no one knows about you, not even you (I would say this is what God alone knows about you).  The purpose of this model, according to the creators, Joe and Harry, is for you to increase the size of the Open area in your relationships, by sharing what you know about yourself with others, and receiving feedback from others as to what they see which you do not.

On the surface, that sounds like a great idea, but what bothers me the most about this window is the Blind area. I’m not comfortable with the thought that there are things which other people see about me of which I am unaware.  Since Johari’s window is a psychological window, these “things” aren’t physical, like how I look when I am walking; they are behavioral and relational things which others have identified as “that’s-how-she-is”, of which I know nothing. The very thought of it makes me feel vulnerable and self-protective.  I have no control over what I don’t know about myself.  On a feeling level, my assumption is that these “things” are negative and that I’m being misunderstood, misinterpreted and judged unfairly.  And, it occurs to me that, the reason for this assumption is because that is what I do with others.  We all do.

In every interaction, whether it is a onetime encounter or in a close relationship with a friend or family member, we observe and evaluate data.  If an unknown driver of a red car speeds up and cuts us off, he’s a selfish jerk.  If a so-called friend does all the talking and never seems to be interested in listening, she’s a narcissist and is soon no longer considered a friend. 


Sometimes, after observing and evaluating, we take it upon ourselves to expand the other person’s Open area by enlightening them with our knowledge.  In the case of the driver of the red car, it may be by a prolonged horn honk, or a brief hand gesture.  In the instance of the so-called friend, we may unceremoniously dump her and no longer return her calls; or, we may go the other direction and explain her faults at great length, complete with examples and illustrations, with the goal of opening her eyes to her Blind spot and “fixing” her to a degree where we will then be comfortable with keeping the relationship.

The problem with expanding someone else’s Open area by revealing what we believe we know of their Blind spot is that we could be wrong; we might misinterpret because of what the other person has kept Hidden or because of something that is in the Unknown area.  The red car might be on the way to the hospital due to an emergency; the person who is doing all the talking might be desperately lonely and have no one else who will listen.  The less than ideal actions we observe in others are only the outward manifestations of each person’s internal struggle.

The fact is, when it comes to our own Blind areas, we want others to be understanding and compassionate with what they see in us.  We don’t want them to simply assume the worst, but to view us through the eyes of love, or at least to give us the benefit of the doubt.  But when it comes to the Blind areas of others, our initial response is usually to observe, evaluate, judge and then to either reject or attempt to fix them.  We have very little patience with the inconvenience of another’s blindness.

The problem with that is, of course, we all have Blind areas which can be used against us.  No one is exempt; yet we cling to our double standard. Jesus, understanding that we are all broken and that the only faults which we can see clearly belong to others, told us that we are not qualified to expand anyone else’s Open area (Matthew 7:1-5).

Then he took all of our brokenness, both known and unknown, and died so that one day we could be completely whole; relieving us of the burden of "fixing" and freeing us to simply offer his grace and mercy to each other in our mutual blindness.

Thank you, my precious friend, for always being gentle with my blind spots!

Love Always,

Bonnie