Splashed Shame

Dear Old Friend,

Since I started writing to you about my childhood, you’ve mentioned several times how sad you are that, even though we were close back then, you didn’t really know how I felt about what was happening to me because I didn’t talk with you about it.  The truth is, the reason I didn’t talk with you about it was that I was ashamed and hiding.  Sin splashes shame on us in the same way a convertible going through a mud puddle splashes mud; the driver isn’t the only one who gets covered.  There’s plenty of mud to go around.

I can still picture lying on the bed in your room listening to you talk about your life and your feelings, and being envious of your freedom to be so open.  I longed to share with someone, but I remember being terrified that you might ask me to, and when you did, I became quite adept at deflecting your questions and turning the focus back to you. 

My shame wasn’t because of what I had done.  The decisions my parents had made caused me to view myself differently, and to fear how others would view me if they knew the ugliness of my situation; so, I covered myself with fig leaves, hid in the trees and pretended, even to myself, that I was fine.  I want you to know it wasn’t your fault that I didn’t open up to you!

As you might guess from my biblical references above, I was reading Genesis chapter 3 this week.  That’s the chapter where Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the one and only tree God told them not to touch.  What fascinated me most was their reaction after they did what they knew was wrong.  There was no society which had conditioned their response; there was no religion which had brainwashed them; their reaction to breaking a rule was unadulterated, immediate and innate: they were ashamed. 

Their first reaction was not simply guilt over what they had done; shame immeditely affected how they viewed themselves and each other. Scripture says they realized they were naked, 

so they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves.  The very first sin made them feel exposed and vulnerable, and they became self-protective. Think about it, from whom were they hiding their nakedness?  There were only the two of them!  They were ashamed, so the first thing they did was to hide from each other.

Then, their shame led them to hide from God.  When they heard him coming, they tried to conceal themselves among the trees.  The reason they gave for hiding was not, “I hid because I did something bad”; they hid because they felt that they were bad: “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.” That is the difference between guilt and shame.

And, finally, their self-protectiveness caused them to hide even from themselves.  When questioned about what happened, Adam blamed God for giving him the woman, and Eve blamed the serpent for deceiving her.  They each pointed away from themselves and hid from the truth. Shame is what keeps us from being able to admit we were wrong.

Sin, whether ours or someone else’s, always isolates us: from each other, from God and from ourselves.  We are all hiding, in our shame, feeling vulnerable and fearing exposure. Not one of us is unaffected.  But, the problem is that we are powerless to remove our own shame.  We can say that it doesn’t exist and act as if it isn’t there; but, in the end, that is just another form of hiding. 

God knew the depths of our need, not just to be freed from the guilt of what we have done, but also to be freed from the prison of our disgrace; so he sent his Son to bear all of sin and its consequences, including our sin-splashed shame.  Because of what he did for us, we are free to come out of hiding.  We can live without the pretense that we are whole and undamaged.  We can proclaim the truth of our mutual brokenness, and the message of the One who has met us there with love, grace and forgiveness, and brought us comfort, healing and freedom.  We can begin to relate to each other without shame because of the one who took our nakedness upon himself and clothed us in his righteousness.

I wrote a poem about this, and I want to share it with you:

 

 UNASHAMED

You examine your humanity

Under a microscope

And feel ashamed.

Your tender conscience

Cannot bear

The imperfections

You find there

And so you hide,

Like the first man

After the fall,

Afraid of exposing

Your nakedness

To all.

Yet all are naked...

Most unaware.

Sometimes you envy


The oblivion

That is theirs,

To walk unclothed

Denying shame,

To live without accepting blame.

Yet

Awareness is a gift of God

Which draws you to the cross,

Where Jesus bore


Your nakedness

And gave to you


His righteousness

Which covers all.

Now you walk in freedom,

Unashamed,

Wearing Jesus' robe

And bearing Jesus' name.

 

I’m so grateful for the freedom he has given me to come out of hiding!

 

Love Always,

Bonnie