You asked me why I decided to write to you about these
formative chapters of my life. For many
years I would have had no other motive than a desire to talk about what I had
suffered. I would have tried to make myself
the hero, the innocent victim, who nobly triumphed despite my circumstances; an
inspiration to all. The problem is, as I
mentioned in my first letter to you, it would not have been true. I exhausted myself trying, but I never
managed to triumph despite my circumstances.
We all believe that we are the heroes, or perhaps the anti
heroes, of our own life stories; regardless of whether I’m the good guy or the
bad guy, I think the story of me is about me; but the gospel teaches that there
is something much more profound going on in every life chronicle than first
meets the eye. Once I allow myself to
consider the possibility that the central figure of my life may not be me, I can
begin to see things I never saw before.
When my children were young, one of them got a 3D Stereogram
Trapper Keeper in which to carry their schoolwork. At first I had no idea there
was anything to look at on the binder cover other than a lot of colorful
geometric designs, but then I was informed that there was much more to that
glorified notebook than I could ever have imagined. My children told me that if I looked at those
designs long enough, in just the right way, a 3D image would appear. All three of them could look at those
colorful patterns and see the picture.
I, on the other hand, could see nothing but the colorful patterns no
matter how I tried. I asked my children
to tell me what the 3D picture looked like, in the hopes that, if I knew what I
was looking for, I could make myself see it.
I had them try to explain to me exactly how they refocused their vision
and then, after they went to bed at night, I would stare at the Trapper
Keeper. Finally, one glorious night, I
squinted and focused my eyes in just the right way and suddenly the image
popped out at me! It was amazing! I couldn’t understand how I had missed it all
the times before.
The reason I decided to write these letters is a lot like
that. From what I know about God and his grace, I knew that the experiences of
my childhood were more than just a pattern of pain and fear, abandonment and
loss. I knew that I needed to reexamine
the shapes and designs of my past through the eyes of grace. I needed to refocus so that what popped out
at me was the image of the only true Hero of any and every story, who was with
me every floundering moment, comforting and carrying me, strengthening and
sustaining me. I needed to see how God
used the times when I was the weakest and most afraid, to teach me to depend on
him and to show me that he would always be faithful.
I also needed to see that God’s faithfulness to me never has
depended and never will depend on my faithfulness to him. Thankfully, God’s
relationship with me is not based on “this for that” because I could never
produce enough “this” in order to get “that” from God! Instead, because God loved me (and you) so
much, he sent Jesus to satisfy every “this”, so that he could give me (and you)
“everything for nothing”. We have nothing
to give him but our need, and God freely gives us everything to supply that
need. We don’t have to deserve it and we
can’t earn it. It is gift. It is grace.
I knew, by faith, that God’s grace was to be found, hidden within
the pieces of these experiences, I just had to refocus in order to see it. God loved my mother as she struggled, in her
brokenness, to find her way; and he loves me as I do the same. He whispers forgiveness and reassurance to me,
when I weep with regret, in the same way he must have whispered to my mother. Writing
to you has helped me to finally see God, not myself, as the central figure of
my story.
I know that my letters have brought up your own painful
past. We have all suffered to one extent
or another; certainly many have suffered far greater tragedies than I have! But
I pray that God enables you to see, through your own story, that he can take
every single experience, whether painful or joyful, beautiful or ugly,
righteous or rebellious and use it to draw you to him. We all need to know that nothing is able to
separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans
8:39)
Love Always,
Bonnie
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